


I should have known

by DODO24



Series: I should have known [1]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Rape Recovery, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-18 19:45:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20318503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DODO24/pseuds/DODO24
Summary: Tobin knows something is wrong with Christen, she can see it even if no one else can. She doesn't know how to deal with it so she chooses not to deal with it at all until everything comes crashing down.Chapter 1: Christen freaks while having sex with Tobin. Pinoe, Kelley, Ali and Ash help the couple realize what is going on.Chapter 2: The group tries to help Christen by having her talk about what she needs and what she is scared off. Ali and Pinoe talk to Jill, Becky and AlexChapter 3: Christen has nightmare which leads to an intense talk with Pinoe and Christen revealing why she is still scared of Tobin.Chapter 4: Pinoe and Tobin talk about Christens fear of Tobin, Becky and Alex come by to discuss the dayChapter 5: Tobin processes her emotions with Kelley and Ash before she goes to Christen to talk. She has to dig deep to find the right words but does so eventually





	1. I should have known

**Author's Note:**

> this was hard to write, this is in no way based on true events, it's me dealing with my own crap through writing  
HUGE TRIGGER WARNING, SEE TAGS

Tobin had noticed something was wrong, she had noticed that her usually smiley girlfriend used her “fake” smile, the one that was just a tad to big, the one that wasn’t genuine. She used that smile when she had to talk to people she didn’t like but she had to be nice to. No one ever noticed but Tobin did. Something was wrong.

Christen became quiet, more quiet than usual, she wouldn’t join in when the team was goofing around, she wouldn’t pay attention to Pinoe or Ash being crazy. People assumed she was just more focused, it was the Olympic year and she wanted to prove herself. Tobin knew that wasn’t it, she knew that something was wrong when her girlfriend started to float in and out of conversations. Tobin was the dreamer, the one who would completely forget she was talking to someone; Christen was the one who always paid attention. Something was wrong. 

Christen never minded being touched, she was always happy to give a hug or receive a kiss, she didn’t mind her teammates jumping on her back or sitting in her lap. She just laughed and played along with her goofy teammates. They were at camp when Tobin noticed that Christen would flinch whenever Mal would plop down in her lap or when Kelley would grab her hand to drag her along. Something was wrong. 

Tobin wanted to talk to her but had no clue how, she wasn’t a talker so she didn’t start the conversation when she should have, she just watched her closely. She noticed the changes but didn’t know how to bring it up, she told herself that she was imagining it.

It wasn’t until a few months later when everything came crashing down.

They were at camp; it was an Olympic season so camps became more frequent. It didn’t happen often that they were allowed to room together but with no matches and just training this camp, the staff was okay with it.

After a movie in Pinoe’s room they went back to their room. They had sat on the ground, with their backs against the bed. Ali and Ash claiming that as a married couple they were entitled to a bed during movie night and not wanting to get involved in the pile up of bodies on Pinoe’s bed. Tobin didn’t mind, it gave her free reign to touch Christen, so she did, Christen played along, holding her hand, putting her other hand a little to high on Tobin’s thigh. They were used to this, teasing each other and both knew how the night would end.

They finally got back to their room, Christen trying to open the door while Tobin already had her hands up Christens shirt. When they were finally inside Tobin didn’t hesitate, she threw Christens shirt on the floor and pushed her up against the wall kissing her deeply. Tobin was moaning, so turned on just from Christen kissing her, she put her hands up Christens skirt, determined to fuck her into the wall. She felt Christen squirm against her while she was biting and kissing her way down her neck before kissing her passionately again. Her fingers were stroking Christen over her panties; Tobin could tell she was wet, she moved her mouth to Christens ear and whispered “I’m going to fuck you into the wall.”

She felt Christen tense up, not just tense up, she became stiff like a board, Tobin opened her eyes and looked into Christens eyes. For the first time she didn’t see arousal or love, she saw fear, she saw tears. She moved back saying “baby what’s wrong?” but Christen couldn’t speak, she was crying, refusing to look at Tobin, she grabbed her discarded shirt of the floor and ran out the door. Tobin stood nailed to the ground, what just happened? When Tobin went to follow Christen after a couple seconds she was gone, the hall was empty.

Tobin panicked, she grabbed her room key and ran down the hall trying to find a trace of her girlfriend but she found nothing. After 20 minutes of looking on every floor and looking in every open room she could find she went back up to their room, thinking that maybe Christen had gone back but she hadn’t.

She needed help. She went to the person who she knew wouldn’t judge and the person who would know what to do. She had to knock 3 times, each time a little louder before Pinoe opened the door ready to yell at whoever woke her up. When she saw Tobin with a panicked look on her face and red eyes from crying she pulled her in and sat her down on the bed.

  
“Tobs what’s wrong? Why are you up? Where is Christen?” Ash who had woken up as well was asking the questions, Pinoe was surprisingly quiet. “I don’t know what happened but I can’t find Chris, she freaked and ran out on me” Tobin was crying hysterically. Pinoe sat down next to her and ordered Ash to get some water, “Tobin slow down, drink first then tell us what happened?”

Tobin gulped down the water, trying to calm down, it worked somewhat. “Chris and I we were just kissing and having fun and I thought she was good but she wasn’t and she got upset and she ran out and I looked for her everywhere but I can’t find her and something happened but I don’t know what.” Tobin was rambling, Pinoe let her be, knowing that this was the fastest way to get the information she needed. “Okay Tobin slow down for me, you were kissing and everything was fine?” “Yes everything was fine, she was fine but then she wasn’t” Tobin was trying to get her words out between sobs. “Okay so you were kissing and then what happened?” Tobin was blushing “I don’t need a play by play Tobin, I just need to know what happened before she ran away”. “she, we, no I pushed her against the wall and was touching her but she didn’t mind that” Tobin was blushing again, surprised she could even do that right now.

Pinoe sat back, she needed to think. “Do you have any idea where she is now” Tobin shook her head “I searched the whole hotel but I couldn’t find her, she left her phone in the room.” Ash was holding a once again crying Tobin, “we can wake Ali” Ash offered, we can’t search the hotel with just the three of us. Pinoe didn’t like the idea of searching the hotel at 2am at all but she also didn’t like the idea of Christen just walking around somewhere.

Some might say, saved by the bell is suited for what happened next. Pinoe heard the knock and bolted to the door, she wasn’t prepared for what she saw when she opened the door. Christen looked absolutely broken, Kelley and Ali by her side both looking confused, “we tried to find Tobin but she isn’t in her room so we thought you could help” Kelley was speaking while Ali tried to coax a reluctant Christen inside. Christen had her arms crossed as if she was trying to protect herself from an invisible evil, she walked in but halted when she saw Tobin still crying while being held by Ash.

Christen started crying again, Tobin probably more on instinct than anything else immediately got up and gathered her in her arms. Christen didn’t refuse apparently to tired do so, Ali guided them to a bed and had them sit down. Pinoe, Ash and Kelley were standing on the other side of the room “what the hell is going on?” Kelley whispered trying not to startle the crying couple. Pinoe thought it was to late to be subtle so she just said it how it is “from what Tobin told us I gather that they were having sex and Christen freaked”. Kelley’s look would have been comical if it wasn’t so serious, “what why? They have been together forever and I know this wasn’t their first time having sex.”

Pinoe couldn’t give her an answer “I don’t know Kelley, something must have happened, didn’t Christen say anything?” “Christen hasn’t said a word, I found her walking in the hall crying and took her back to my room” all three of them were looking at the couple, Ali busy making sure they were comfy. “You know what, let’s just try and get some sleep, they can stay here with me and Ash and in the morning we will try and talk to them.” Pinoe wasn’t convinced of her plan but she didn’t think Christen or Tobin were going to open up right now either. Kelley and Ali agreed and left to go to their own room.

Pinoe could still hear whimpering when she got in the bed she was sharing with Ash but at least they weren’t crying anymore. Christen and Tobin soon fell asleep, probably exhausted from all the emotions, Ash and Pinoe agreed to go talk to the staff in the morning.

**The following Morning**

Tobin didn’t exactly sleep well but at least she had Christen in her arms, when she woke up she double checked with bleary eyes if it was her. Pinoe, Ash, Kelley and Ali had already woken up and were now looking at the still sleepy forward. Tobin tried to get up without waking Christen but failed, she woke up looking confused. Tobin had hoped she would just tell them everything was okay now but Christen didn’t say anything, she removed herself from Tobin’s arms and pulled her knees up to her chin, wrapping her arms around herself.

The others all looked at each other debating on what to do, Tobin didn’t try to hug her, afraid she might bolt again. Pinoe and Ash left to go talk to the staff, luckily today was a rest day so they just asked to be excused from breakfast and lunch, choosing not to tell them what was going on. Kelley took care of the rest of the team, saying they were doing a triple date, no one questioned why Pinoe and Kelley would go on a date, they were Pinoe and Kelley, they had done a lot more strange things than tagging along with the two couples.

When they got back to the room they didn’t expect to see Ali sitting on the bed with Christen in her arms, both of them crying. Ash rushed over to Ali but stopped when she saw Christen looking at her with a frightened look on her face trying to crawl even further into Ali’s arms. Ali cradled her close while telling the others to keep their distance.

No one had even noticed Tobin until that point; she sat on the floor in the corner of the room, just looking at Christen with tears in her eyes. It was quiet for a long time, the only sounds in the room being Christens sobs and Ali’s soothing sounds trying to calm her down.

They ordered room service, none of them particularly hungry but they needed to eat. After what seemed like hours it was Pinoe who broke the silence “Christen, sweetie could you tell us what is going on?” It was direct and maybe not the right thing to say but Pinoe wasn’t going to beat around the bush, she wouldn’t even know how in this situation. Christen whispered something to Ali, still safely tucked into her arms. They heard Ali ask if she was sure, Christen just nodded and buried herself deeper in Ali’s arms.

Ali and Tobin had a silent conversation, just looking at each other, Tobin giving her a slight shake with her head indicating that she couldn’t explain this. Ali sighed but started talking anyway “what I’m about to tell you doesn’t leave this room, not until Christen tells us it can, understood?” Nothing in Ali’s way of speaking left any room for discussion so the three of them just nodded.

“Okay so Christen just told us when you were downstairs, I don’t think she wanted to but she just couldn’t keep it in” Christen nodded slightly to say Ali was right about that. Ali was quiet for a bit seemingly contemplating on how to tell the story; in the end she just started “do you guys remember that crazy game between Utah and Orlando back in December?” They all remembered, Ash having played in the game herself, it had ended in a 4-4 draw with two penalties and a red card. “Afterwards we all went out to celebrate, we showed the Utah girls around Orlando” Ash remembered Christen had been with them, she remembered Christen good naturedly teasing her about scoring twice that night. 

Ali continued, “Christen had walked out a bit earlier wanting to call Tobin, she decided to walk to the hotel seeing as it was very close.” Kelley had gotten up in the middle of Ali’s sentence suddenly remembering Tobin still sitting in the corner of the room on her own. She sat down next to her and let Tobin lower her head on her shoulder. “After hanging up with Tobin she walked by an alley and two men grabbed her” Ali choked up looking down at the woman in her arms who was softly sobbing. She regained her voice and continued “they forced her up against the wall and raped her” Pinoe, Kelley and Ash gasped. Not even knowing which emotions they were feeling right now were strongest. Kelley looked down at Tobin sobbing into her sweatshirt putting her arms tighter around her. Pinoe got up from the bed wanting to go and comfort Christen but Christen just looked at her with the same frightened eyes as when Ash had tried to come close earlier.

Ali wasn’t finished yet, “the reason why she freaked last night was because Tobin whispered something in her ear, she had whispered the same thing the rapists had.” Tobin had already heard the story but reacted nonetheless, putting her head in her hands seemingly trying to pull her hair out. Pinoe swerved from her standing position still in front of the bed Ali and Christen were on and moved to Tobin’s side. She sat down next to her hugging her from one side while Kelley hugged her from the other side. They both grabbed one of Tobin’s arms from where they were on her head and let her collapse in Pinoe’s arms.

It was silent again, only the sound of crying and quiet sobs filling the air. This time Ash was the one to break the silence “why can’t we get closer Christen?” it was a fair question, Ash wanted nothing more than to surround the woman with love but she wanted to respect her boundaries. Christen looked up, looking at Ali and then looking at Ash with tear stained eyes “Ali is less scary” Christen said with a barely there voice. Ash didn’t really know what she meant with scary but she accepted it, Ali just kept holding onto Christen.

It was then that Ash looked over at Tobin who looked almost more broken than Christen, if that was even possible. A lot of silent conversation was going on at this point, they knew they had to get Tobin out of that corner. Ash, Pinoe and Kelley decided without words that they needed to get Tobin out of the hotel room, she wasn’t an inside person, whenever Tobin needed to think or contemplate she went outside. Ash was the one to speak up “Tobin, bud come with us” surprisingly Tobin didn’t even protest, she just let Kelley and Pinoe hoist her up and take her into the bathroom to clean her up a bit.

Before they went out Tobin looked at Christen, not saying anything, waiting for her to let her come close. Christen gave the tiniest nod, she still looked scared but she let Tobin come closer and sit on the edge of the bed. Tobin just offered her hand and waited for Christen to take it, she didn’t leave Ali’s arms but she did grab Tobin’s hand and gave her a little squeeze, it was enough for now.

Kelley, Pinoe and Ash took Tobin out through the back exit, not wanting to risk running into any teammates. Tobin didn’t speak, not even when they reached their destination, a cliff with a beautiful view over a remote beach, Ash had found the place yesterday while she was out exploring. They just sat next to each other, no one said anything, the three didn’t even expect Tobin to talk, they just knew she had to get out of that room.

It must have been an hour later when they heard Tobin say “I should have known”, she didn’t say anything more but it was clear what she meant. Kelley started saying that it wasn’t her fault but Pinoe stopped her, silencing her with her eyes. Instead she just asked why she should have known. Tobin was quiet for a bit until something inside her burst “I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG, I KNEW IT MONTHS AGO AND I DID NOTHING, I LET HER DEAL WITH IT ON HER OWN” Tobin screamed. The others didn’t know if it was anger, frustration, sadness or a combination of all three but they all were startled. Tobin didn’t scream, Tobin didn’t even get angry off the pitch but she seemed like she wasn’t in control anymore, it was scary to see Tobin like that.

Pinoe once again opted for the logical question “why did you think something was wrong?” She was trying to keep Tobin talking, no matter how painful it was Tobin needed to talk and not bottle it up. Luckily Tobin seemed to lose all inhibitions she would normally have “she wasn’t smiling, she was way to quiet and she flinched every time someone touched her”. Pinoe was surprised that no one had noticed it other than Tobin, she hadn’t and she was pretty sure Kelley and Ash hadn’t either.

Pinoe kept asking, Kelley and Ash had taken on the roll of trying to sooth their friend while Pinoe kept her talking, “why didn’t you do anything?” Tobin just sighed; “I didn’t know how” she had gone from screaming to now trying to hold back her tears. Pinoe let her be for a moment, deciding on her next move when Ash did It for her, she made Tobin face her before she started talking. “Bud, you have to stop blaming yourself, you didn’t ask and maybe you should have but what are you going to do about it now? It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do, it matters what you do right now, the girl you love is in there crying her eyes out while being held by my wife, what are you going to do about it?”

Tobin just looked at Ash with a dumbfounded look, Pinoe didn’t know if the tough love was working but at least Tobin wasn’t crying. A minute later Tobin got up, not waiting for the others to follow her; she just started walking back to the hotel. Kelley, Pinoe and Ash followed her, a few steps behind, still not sure if she was okay.

Tobin walked back to the room; she waited a moment before knocking on the door, taking a deep breath. Ash wanted to open the door for her with her room key but Tobin stopped her, they were going to do this on Christens terms. Ali opened the door, she just looked back at Christen still sitting on the bed, waiting for her to give them permission to enter, she nodded at Ali to let them in.

Tobin walked closer to Christen but stopped a few feet from the bed silently asking for permission to get closer. Christen nodded again allowing Tobin to sit on the edge of the bed, she held out her hand like she had done earlier, Christen hesitated but grabbed it anyway. The others had sat down on the other bed trying to give them a bit of privacy; Ali hadn’t sat down, looking at Christen in case Christen wanted her to get back to her.

Instead Christen felt brave, she tilted her head up from looking at their joined hands and looked at Tobin, “could you maybe hold me?” It was barely a whisper but Tobin could hear her and slowly made her way up the bed to where Christen was sitting. She gave Christen the chance to change her mind but she didn’t, Christen curled herself into Tobin like she had done with Ali. They sat like that for some time just holding onto each other, Tobin softly caressing her back.

Ali had found her way back onto the other bed, Ash shoving Kelley away from her to make space for Ali. Kelley tried to fight her way back onto the bed trying to make Pinoe move over, in the end Kelley decided that the best thing to do was to jump in between the couple and Pinoe. Sadly for her the effort landed her bouncing of the bed and flat out on the floor, the room became dead quiet no one knowing if laughing was appropriate right now. That changed when they heard a small giggle coming from Tobin’s arms, Christen had seen the whole spectacle and just smiled at her crazy friend. Tobin laughed with her looking at her girl and the real smile that she hadn’t seen in months.

They had a long way to go, nothing was solved, the wounds were still as fresh as ever but the first step was making Christen feel safe and loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan on doing more chapters, let me know what you think in the comments or on Tumblr https://hardtchill.tumblr.com/


	2. One step at a time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group tries to help Christen by having her talk about what she needs and what she is scared off. Ali and Pinoe talk to Jill, Becky and Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i decided another chapter was necessary, TRIGGER WARNING still applies, although this chapter is less dark than the first one.  
Just a quick note, this takes place in 2020 before the olympics so i made Becky captain along with Pinoe and Alex because i think Carli will not make it to the olympics and i find Becky easier to write.

Tobin and Christen were napping, exhausted from all the emotion, while the other 4 were silently discussing what to do. Christen had calmed down a lot but she hadn’t let go of Tobin, she hadn’t even left the bed she was sharing with Tobin. They were still at camp and they were expected to show up at dinner in less than two hours, if they didn’t the staff and the team would come looking for them. “I still think we should tell the staff” Pinoe said, they had been discussing this point for over half an hour. Kelley and Ali didn’t want to force Christen to tell anyone but Ash and Pinoe pointed out that they wouldn’t be able to hide Christen from the team or the staff. Just looking at Christen now they all knew that she wasn’t suddenly going to be okay in two hours.

They discussed the matter for another 10 minutes before Pinoe silenced them all “we can’t decide this for her, we have to wake them up and try to get Christen to talk.” They all knew Pinoe was right but none of them were happy about it, they didn’t want to wake Christen up or force her to think about it. 

In the end they had no other choice, Ali silently went over to the couple, waking up Tobin first before the two of them tried to wake up Christen with soft voices. Aside from Ali and Tobin no one had been allowed to get close yet, Kelley, Pinoe and Ash still didn’t fully understand why Christen didn’t want them to get close, but they had accepted it for now.

Christen slowly opened her eyes adjusting to the light, Tobin loosened her grip a bit so Christen could sit up but Christen wasn’t having it, only trying to grab onto Tobin tighter. Ali had handed them both a cup of coffee, knowing they needed it and thinking it would be a good distraction for Christen while they tried to talk. 

Once Tobin and Christen had moved to a sitting position, Christen practically in Tobin’s lap, her head not moving from Tobin’s shoulder, Ali started talking. She hadn’t actually been the one to talk much but the other three decided that with Christen trusting her the most it was probably best if she started the conversation. “How are you feeling Christen?” Unlike Pinoe Ali was one for subtle conversation, trying to judge how Christen was doing before starting the heavy part of the conversation. “Better” Christen mumbled into Tobin’s hoodie “still tired though”, it was a start Ali thought, “can you tell us what you need?” Christen honestly didn’t know what she needed right now but she answered anyway “I just need this”, she was referring to Tobin holding her. Ali smiled a little, glad that at least Christen had gone back to trusting Tobin and not being scared of her, “you have me baby” Tobin said pressing a kiss to the side of her head. 

Ali purposely waited a bit before asking her next question, “do you think you would want to leave the room for a bit?” She saw Christen stiffen, as if she only just realized that there was a world outside of this room. “It’s okay sweetie, you don’t have to” Ali tried to reassure Christen because truthfully, she really didn’t have to if she didn’t want to. Christen looked at her with a relieved look in her eyes “I’m scared” she said with a small voice, “what are you scared off?” Ali knew the answer, but she needed Christen to tell her. “Of all the people, they are going to know something is wrong and Jill she is going to send me home”, that last part surprised Ali, she hadn’t even thought about that herself. “Christen no one is going to send you home” Pinoe had spoken up “we won’t let that happen, you won’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” 

Christen relaxed a little hearing Pinoe talk, “I won’t?” Tobin grabbed her a little tighter thinking about how much Christen must have had to do these last couple months even though she didn’t want to. “We’re going to do this your way, no one is going to force you to do anything” Tobin tried to reassure Christen. 

Christen wasn’t sure what her way was, she didn’t know what she needed or what was going to be best. Ali saw Christen panic and tense up again “it’s okay if you don’t know sweetie, we can just try things and if you don’t like what is happening, we will just stop, okay?” Christen thought about that for a while before she smiled, “yeah okay” she relented “but I don’t even know what to do first.” Tobin decided to help her along “well how about you start by taking a nice long shower, you know that always cheers you up?” Christen liked the idea of a shower but immediately became nervous again, Tobin could feel her tense up. “Talk to me baby” Tobin had whispered in her ear, Christen was quiet for a while, trying to find the right words. 

“I don’t want to be alone” Christen mumbled, she was scared to be on her own right now. “That’s okay honey, I can go sit with you in the bathroom, so you won’t be alone” as soon as Tobin said it, she knew she shouldn’t have. Christen felt tears filling her eyes once again, “use your words Christen” Ali said. Christen felt Tobin wipe away her tears “I’m scared of you”, Ali saw the heartbreak in Tobin’s eyes, luckily Christen couldn’t see it, Tobin kept her voice steady pushing away her own feelings for now. “I understand, do you maybe want someone else to go with you, so you won’t be alone?” Christen didn’t say what she wanted, or rather who, she just looked at Ali with pleading eyes. “Do you want me to stay with you?” Ali asked, Christen just nodded, not trusting her voice. 

Ali had stood up offering Christen a hand, Christen took it and let Ali hoist her up and walk her to the bathroom. Before closing the door Ali looked at Ash and Kelley “could you guys go and grab some clothes for her? Just grab some sweats and a hoodie, something comfortable.” Kelley and Ash just nodded, grabbing Tobin’s room key and heading out of the room. 

Tobin didn’t let herself break down before she was sure Christen was in the bathroom and wasn’t coming out, Pinoe was next to her on the bed in seconds. “She is scared of me Pinoe, how is she ever going to trust me again after what I have done?” Pinoe was holding Tobin close, trying to soothe her “you didn’t do anything wrong Tobin, she is traumatized but you’re not the one who caused that okay? She is scared but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, right now you and Ali are the only people she trusts but you have to let her set the pace.” Tobin knew Pinoe was right, but it didn’t make her feel any less bad, they sat in silence, Pinoe just holding Tobin trying to comfort her. 

Kelley and Ash were back a few minutes later with some clothes for Christen, Kelley put them on the ground outside the bathroom door and knocked softly. Ali opened the door slightly, sending them a slight smile before grabbing the clothes and closing the door again. Ash and Kelley had joined Pinoe and Tobin on the bed, each holding on to Tobin whispering soft encouraging words to her. 

This was their time though and they knew they had to talk to Tobin before Christen came out and would wrap herself up in Tobin’s arms again. “Tobin, we need to decide on what to do, dinner is in an hour and a half, if we don’t show up, they will come and look for us.” Once again Pinoe was the one trying to talk logic, Tobin knew she was right but was trying to find a way out of it “can’t we just say she is sick?” Tobin knew herself that it wasn’t going to work but she had to try “you know that if we say that they will sent her to medical and they would try to separate her from the rest of us.” 

Tobin knew Pinoe was right, but she had no clue how to solve this, so she said nothing. Kelley was the one who decided to just say what they were all thinking “we have to tell Jill”, Tobin sighed, she knew Kelley was right, but she didn’t like the idea at all. “Look I know we’re not her biggest fans, but she isn’t cruel, she is our coach she has to know”, Tobin once again knew Kelley was right but gave her a doubtful look. “What if she sends Christen home and cuts her from the team?” Pinoe spoke up immediately, “Tobin I wouldn’t let that happen, I’m still a captain and if need be, we will tell Alex and Becky, they won’t let that happen either.” 

They talked about the idea a bit longer before they were all sure it was the best thing to do. They could ask Jill to excuse Christen from group training sessions and from any group gatherings that she didn’t want to attend. “I don’t want Christen to have to tell her on her own”, it was a given, but Tobin had to say it, all three of them nodded. “If Christen doesn’t want to she doesn’t even have to be the one to tell Jill, we could do that for her if she is more comfortable with that idea” Pinoe offered. Tobin just nodded. 

It took a while for the shower to turn off and for Christen to come back into the room, dressed in some soft sweats and one of Tobin’s hoodies. Her hand was clasped in Ali’s, but she didn’t make a move towards Tobin, it took a few seconds before the 4 friends still sitting on the bed together realized that Christen wasn’t going to come closer as long as they were all on the bed together. 

Kelley, Ash and Pinoe stood up and moved to the other bed, Christen smiled shyly at them, softly apologizing before making her way over to Tobin. She didn’t let go of Ali’s hand though, taking her with her to the bed before sitting down in Tobin’s lap again. Ali sat next to her, keeping their hands intertwined, Christen nodded at her before burying her face into Tobin’s hoodie. Ali looked at the others before starting to say what Ali and Christen apparently discussed in the bathroom. “So, Christen thinks it’s time to inform Jill, Alex and Becky.” The others were stunned that Christen would bring it up herself, “are you sure?” Kelley said, thinking they would have had to really talk Christen into it. Christen just nodded, looking at Ali once more. “Christen and I talked, and she realized that she can’t keep this a secret and that it’s probably best to let Jill, Alex and Becky know now and not wait until everyone already suspects something is wrong. 

The group nodded at the words being spoken, “do you want to tell them yourself or do you want one of us to do it for you?” Christen looked up at Pinoe “I want Ali and maybe you to tell them?” It was a question, but it was clear that Christen didn’t really want to ask it, afraid Pinoe would say no. ‘I will do that for you Chris but only if you want me to”, Christen looked at her again and said, “I want you to.” They talked it over a bit more before Ali and Pinoe stood up getting ready to go find Jill and the two captains to sit them down. Kelley, Ash and Tobin would stay in the room with Christen, trying to keep her comfortable, Ash had ordered some room service hoping it would keep them occupied for a bit.

Meanwhile Pinoe had sent an S.O.S in the captains group text, telling them to meet her in the lobby of the hotel, it was a good thing that both Becky and Alex took their captain roles very seriously and texted back that they would be there in 10 minutes. Ali had sought out Jill and told her Pinoe and her needed to talk to her and the captains about something serious, luckily Jill didn’t ask questions and agreed to meet them in the conference room after she finished her talk with the medical staff. 

Becky and Alex looked at Pinoe with worried faces when their usually goofy friend looked dead serious and told them she couldn’t tell them what the S.O.S was about until they got to Jill. They were even more confused when Ali joined them, thinking this was a captain’s thing. 

Once everyone had sat down Ali looked at Pinoe to start them off. They had agreed that Ali would tell the story since she had talked on Christens behalf before but that Pinoe would explain the rest. So Pinoe started “Thank you for meeting with us” she said to the three still confused women sitting in front of her. “Ali and I need to tell you something very serious but first we want to make sure that what we tell you doesn’t leave this room.” Jill seemed like she wanted to argue but kept her mouth shut seeing Pinoe’s serious expression. “One of our teammates has gone through something horrible, Ali and I found out about it yesterday evening, as have Kelley, Ash and Tobin.” Pinoe paused for a bit when she saw the confused faces, “it’s about Christen.” 

Pinoe looked at Ali to take over from there. Ali nodded and continued, “Christen was in Orlando a couple months back for a match, both teams went out together afterwards with Ash and I leading the Utah girls around Orlando.” Ali took a deep breath before starting again, “Christen was with us until she decided to step out to call Tobin, she was walking back to the team hotel when two men grabbed her and forced her into a dark alley.” Pinoe had grabbed her hand trying her best to support Ali while telling the story. “The men raped her in that alley”, Ali choked back a couple sobs before continuing “she kept it a secret for months but yesterday she freaked when Tobin whispered something in her ear. Tobin had said the same thing rapists had and Christen just broke down, she ran out of the room crying, that’s how Kelley and I found her in the hallway.” Ali looked over at Pinoe urging her to take over. 

Pinoe took a deep breath before starting again “Tobin looked for her in the hotel after she ran out but couldn’t find her, that’s when she came to Ash and me. She was really upset and It took a while to get the story out of her, that was when Ali and Kelley showed up with Christen.” Pinoe paused and looked at the three women in front of her, Alex and Becky were both crying, Jill was desperately trying to keep It together. Alex spoke up first “how is she now?” she managed to say through her tears, “she is scared, she hasn’t left Tobin’s or Ali’s side since she got to the room yesterday. She doesn’t really trust anyone except for Ali and Tobin, Kelley, Ash and I are not allowed to get to close whether that’s physically or mentally.”

“How is Tobin dealing with it?” Alex said with a small voice. “She is heartbroken, but she keeps it together for Christens sake, we took her out for a bit yesterday to talk to her. She feels guilty but she is opening up instead of bottling it up, which is a good sign.” Alex was relieved to hear that, knowing how Tobin doesn’t like to talk about her feelings. 

Becky had managed to stop crying so she could ask a question, “why doesn’t she trust Kelley, Ash and you?” Pinoe looked at her with a pained look, “I don’t know, she said to Ash that Ali is less scary, but we don’t really know what that means. She also still has a tough time with Tobin, she said today that she was still scared of her, but she does allow Tobin to hold her.” 

Jill had been quiet throughout the conversation; everyone was kind of shocked when she suddenly started talking. “Okay we need to get a professional in here to talk to her, we also need to call the police and make sure she gets home safely.” Pinoe stopped listening after that, Jill kept on rambling about things they had to do, it was Ali who stopped her. “HEY, we’re not doing anything and that includes you! Christen is not going home until SHE wants to, she is not going to talk to a professional until SHE wants to and we’re not going to call the police until SHE tells us to, you got that?” Pinoe could kiss Ali after her outburst and watched Jill’s mouth open and close after Ali’s speech but no sound came out. “They are right Jill, Christen shouldn’t be forced to do anything” Becky said. 

They talked some more, Jill came around eventually, Pinoe suspected that the woman was just hiding her emotions behind practicality. Jill excused them from dinner, she would cover for them If they team asked where they were. They would talk again in the morning seeing if Christen was up to leaving the room for a bit, if not she could just stay in and they would find a way to explain It to the team. Ali and Pinoe agreed to take Becky and Alex back to the room but said to them that Christen had to be okay before they let them in. 

When Pinoe and Ali got back they saw Christen sitting up, still plastered to Tobin’s side but she didn’t look as nervous and was even smiling slightly. Ash and Kelley were trying to distract her by feeding each other bites of pasta using crazy noises to simulate trains and airplanes, it seemed to be working. Pinoe and Ali smiled at the spectacle before they moved to Christens side of the room, Pinoe keeping a bit more distance. Christen didn’t need to ask, Ali just told her it was done, Jill agreed to leave her be and they would talk again in the morning, Christen visibly relaxed. 

Ali waited a bit before broaching the topic of the captains standing outside the door. “Christen, Becky and Alex would really like to come in for a bit, it’s okay if you don’t want to but they want to make sure you’re okay, can they come in for a bit?” Christen bit her lip, looking at Tobin for reassurance, they were silently communicating with each other, Tobin shrugging her shoulders letting Christen know it was up to her. After some time Christen nodded but not before moving back a bit on the bed, away from the edge, silently asking Tobin to move with her. Ali didn’t open the door before making sure Christen was safely wrapped up in Tobin’s arms again. She walked out into the hall determined to talk to the pair first. “Okay so Christen is good with you coming in but don’t try and get close, she won’t say it, but she is frightened whenever someone gets close to her that isn’t Tobin or me.” Alex and Becky nodded, agreeing to stay with Pinoe, Ash and Kelley and not get any closer than that.  
When they walked into the room, they tried to control their emotions, they weren’t prepared though, Christen looked so small wrapped up in Tobin’s arms and it seemed that she couldn’t even look at them. They decided not to address it and just sit down on the bed next to Kelley and Ash, giving them each a hug before they did. 

Kelley and Ash were great at just filling the silence, making small talk, embarrassing the other from time to time. Christen had relaxed soon after Alex and Becky entered, just listening to Kelley and Ash cracking jokes, happy to not have to talk or think too much. Tobin just held onto her, pressing a kiss to her temple every once in a while, Ali had sat down next to her again, holding her hand. 

Becky and Alex left after an hour, assuring everyone they would come by in the morning before breakfast. Christen felt bad for not getting herself to talk to them, “you did great sweetie” Ali said, reassuring her “one step at a time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan on doing more chapters, let me know what you think in the comments or on Tumblr https://hardtchill.tumblr.com/


	3. Sun and moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen has nightmare which leads to an intense talk with Pinoe and Christen revealing why she is still scared of Tobin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a little bit shorter but i hope you like it.  
TRIGGER WARNING still applies, read the tags, some heavy stuff in this one.

After Becky and Alex left the group decided to play some games, trying to get Christen to relax and enjoy herself a bit. They played monopoly for a while until Kelley flipped the board because Pinoe charged her 80.000 dollars to stay in her hotel. Kelley also managed to flip the scrabble board after failing to gain points for the word “squirlyjams” (they are squirrel PJ’s of course…) and the Catan board after realizing she did indeed need sheep to win. 

Needless to say, Kelley was excluded from all future games when they moved onto hungry hungry hippos. They ended the night with a spirited game of guess who, which Ali and Ash won. Christen had spent the night being held closely by Tobin and laughing at Kelley’s antics, her mind for the first time in forever free of what had happened. 

The group had decided to stay together in the room, asking the hotel to bring up another bed. Christen fell asleep soon cuddled into Tobin, still tired from all the emotions from the past day and a half. 

It was 3am when Christen woke up gasping for air, she shot of the bed towards the bathroom where she emptied her stomach in the toilet. She could feel someone holding back her hair and rubbing her back while she continued to vomit. After a while she sank down to the floor, with her back to the wall while she felt someone wipe her mouth with a washcloth. She didn’t want to open her eyes feeling the tears escape, she still didn’t know who was with her and that scared her to. Pinoe just looked at her, not knowing if cradling Christen in her arms would make the situation better or worse, in the end she decided that worse probably wasn’t possible anyway. She sank down next to Christen on the floor and pulled her into a hug, letting Christen cry it out. 

“Can you tell me what happened?” Pinoe asked after Christens cries had slowed down. Christen didn’t dare look up “nightmare” she said almost inaudible, Pinoe started stroking her fingers through her hair, trying to sooth her. “Can you tell me about it?” Pinoe knew she was pushing it, but she also knew that getting up now and getting the others would give Christen time to shut down again. “I just dream about that night and I always wake up scared and feeling like I can’t breathe” Christen choked out. “Do you have these nightmares often?” Pinoe had guessed the answer already by the way Christen had said “always” but she wanted to keep her talking. “a couple times a week” Christen shrugged, “and Tobin has never noticed?” “Tobin sleeps like the dead” Christen said with a sad smile “and you don’t wake her.” It wasn’t a question but Christen nodded anyway “she scares me sometimes”, it was barely a whisper but Pinoe could hear. 

She had wondered about this since yesterday when Christen didn’t want Tobin to go with her to the bathroom and asked Ali instead. “Why does Tobin scare you?” Christen didn’t speak she just looked up at Pinoe with a face that told her Christen was ashamed of herself. “You don’t have to answer Christen but you do need to listen to me say this. You have nothing to be ashamed about, you have every right to feel what you feel. It doesn’t matter if that’s about Tobin or Kelley or me, you can tell us, and we will try to help.” Christen let out a shaky breath before she spoke again “I just feel bad because I have no reason to be scared of her but I am.” Pinoe understood what she was trying to say, “why do you think you have no reason to be scared?” Christen looked at her as If Pinoe asked her the stupidest question ever, “because Tobin is the sweetest person I know, she would never hurt me and still I’m scared.” 

Christen had lowered her head again, resting it on Pinoe’s shoulder, “do you think you being scared of Tobin has the same reason as to why you have trouble trusting Ash, Kelley and me?” She felt Christen nod her head slightly, “it’s the same but also not really” Christen took another deep breath before continuing. “You guys are just always so present and forceful, like sunshine in California, always happy and bright,” Pinoe laughed a little at the analogy, “sunshine huh? I can live with that, so what is Ali?” Christen was a bit relieved when Pinoe laughed, glad she wasn’t offended, “Ali is like the moon, sometimes bright but mostly always the same, she is just there even if you can barely see her you know she is there, she feels safe and stable.” 

Pinoe thought about it for a bit, she could definitely understand what Christen was saying but remembered to stay on topic. “You said that you feeling scared of Tobin was sort of the same but not really, what did you mean by that?” Pinoe could hear that Christen was crying again so she just waited, rubbing soothing circles on her back. After a couple minutes it became clear that Christen wasn’t going to answer the question so Pinoe tried again, ‘Were you scared yesterday when you wanted to take a shower?” Christen nodded, “can you tell me why?” Christen lifted her knees up to her chin, leaning further into Pinoe’s arms “I was scared that she wanted to have sex with me and that she would force me,” Pinoe tried not to let what Christen said shock her, instead she just pulled Christen closer. 

Pinoe didn’t want to ask the next question but she knew she had to, “has Tobin ever forced you?” Christen immediately pulled her head up, looking at her with hard eyes “no she would never” Christen said forcefully. “But you have had sex with her when you didn’t want to”, it was a statement, not a question, Pinoe saw Christens eyes fill with tears before she nodded her head slightly and dropped down again, head pressed in Pinoe’s chest. 

Pinoe let Christen cry for a while, wanting her to get it out. When Christens cries turned to quiet sobs she heard Christen speak again “I couldn’t constantly refuse her without telling her what was wrong, so I had to sometimes.” Pinoe felt her heart break at the confession, she looked down at the woman in her arms wishing she could take all her pain away. 

“Could you talk to Tobin?” Christens voice was surprisingly steady when she said those words. Pinoe was surprised at the request and she wanted to know more before she said yes, “are you sure you want me tell her?” Christen nodded, “what do you want me to tell her?” Christen thought for a bit before saying, “everything I told you”, Pinoe swallowed hard after hearing that “are you really sure?” Christen thought about it again before saying, “she needs to know but I can’t tell her, I just can’t.” Pinoe understood why without Christen needing to say it, “okay I will tell her, but I can’t promise that she won’t ask questions after I do.” She felt Christen nod against her shoulder “I can deal with questions.”

It took a while before both of them realized how long they had been sitting on the bathroom floor, Pinoe suggested that maybe they should go back to bed, Christen agreed. Pinoe stayed with her while Christen brushed her teeth and cleaned up her face a little bit. When they got back in the room she saw Christen halt while looking at the empty spot next to Tobin. “You want to switch places?” Pinoe whispered, she saw Christen looking down at the ground but nod nonetheless. Pinoe ended up waking Ash and Ali who were sharing a bed, asking if Ash would mind sharing with Tobin for the night. Luckily Ash picked up on the tension in the air and quickly moved out of the bed after pressing a kiss to Ali’s cheek. Pinoe swiftly guiding Christen into bed with Ali before finding her own space next to Kelley. 

From her own bed she saw Ali grab Christens hand and have her curl into her, softly stroking her back trying to have her fall back asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was emotional... Let me know what you think in the comments or on Tumblr https://hardtchill.tumblr.com/


	4. What happened last night?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pinoe and Tobin talk about Christens fear of Tobin, Becky and Alex come by to discuss the day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter, i feel like i'm on a writing binge  
Trigger warning still applies, i know i say this in every chapter but i just want to make sure no one reads this when it may trigger something.

When Tobin woke up she found Ash next to her, thoroughly confused she sat up and looked around the room to find Christen wrapped up in Ali’s arms and not hers. Before she could say anything Pinoe was next to her bed, whispering to get out and go with her. Tobin was to tired and confused to refuse right now so she got up and after using the bathroom and throwing on some of Ash’s clothes they walked out the door. 

Pinoe hadn’t been able to get to sleep again, so she just waited until the hour was reasonable enough to take Tobin with her and talk. They didn’t go far, Pinoe took her to what was technically still Tobin and Christens room. She had gotten some coffee and breakfast before Tobin had woken up, knowing she had to feed the girl before expecting her to be truly awake. 

While they ate, Kelley, Christen, Ash and Ali had also woken up. Christen had blushed when she woke up apologizing to Ash for kicking her out of her own bed, Ash had waved it off saying Ali was a bed hog anyway. After Ali had updated Kelley and Ash about why the bed assignment changed, only saying “rough night”, Kelley and Ash went out to gather some breakfast for the four of them. Ali was still holding Christen, wiping some hair from her face, “you want to tell me about last night?” Pinoe had tried to tell her a little bit of what had happened, but she didn’t get more out than “Nightmare” and “she is okay now.” 

“I had a bad dream, Pinoe probably woke up when I ran to the bathroom and she stayed with me, we talked,” Christen was looking down at her hands, one of which was still holding on to Ali’s hand. “What did you talk about?” Ali wasn’t prying but she did encourage Christen to talk. “Tobin mostly,” it was a short answer, but Ali could imagine what the conversation had entailed. “Is that why Pinoe took Tobin out?” Christen nodded, “Tobin needs to know why I’m scared but I can’t tell her myself.” 

The conversation ended when they heard voices outside the door, “you knock I have my hands full.” “What? You knock, I’m carrying more than you are” Ali and Christen smiled at the sound of Ash and Kelley fighting outside the door, “knock your head against the door then,” “are you mad? Unlike you I have brains that could get damaged.” They heard Ash gasp at that last remark, Ali decided to get up and open the door for the two knuckleheads. “Get in you two, you know you could just put something down on the floor and knock right?” Kelley and Ash just looked at each other, “tell her, apparently she is the one with the brains.” Kelley ignored her and walked into the room, after she had put down everything that was in her hands she turned around again, facing Ash and stuck her tongue out at her. “You did not just do that,” Ash said. Ali was about to break up the childish squabbling when she heard Christen giggling from her place in the bed, she had sat up when Ali had opened the door but couldn’t contain her laughter at the immature behavior from her two friends.

All three of them beamed at Christen, loving hearing her giggle for the first time in two days. 

Tobin was nursing a cup of coffee while she waited for Pinoe to explain why she was here and not next door making sure Christen was okay. Pinoe kept quiet, not really knowing how to start the conversation, in the end Tobin was the one who started. “What happened last night? She was fine when we went to bed and this morning I find Ash in my bed instead of her.” Tobin figured that something must have happened, “she had a nightmare” Pinoe started, watching Tobin’s reaction closely, “she said she has been having them for a while.” Tobin looked at her with a confused face, “no that can’t be right, I would have known that.” Pinoe took a deep breath, “she has been hiding it Tobin, she has them a couple times a week, but she is too scared to wake you up.” 

Tobin felt tears forming in her eyes, “why is she so scared of me?” Tobin sounded totally defeated already but Pinoe continued on. “Think about it Tobin, if she hadn’t freaked 2 nights ago what would have happened?” She saw Tobin’s eyes go wide, she didn’t really need to answer but she did anyway, “we would have had sex.” Pinoe was trying to judge Tobin’s reaction, knowing the woman’s habit of pushing her feelings down. 

“Do you think Christen would have wanted to?” Tobin looked at her with a pained expression while she shook her head. “Christen told me last night, that she is scared because she has been having sex with you while she didn’t want to. She was scared to have you in the bathroom yesterday because she thought you would force her to have sex.” Pinoe saw Tobin break down in front of her, she saw the woman getting up and falling to her knees as if her legs couldn’t carry her anymore, tears were flowing, Tobin felt like she was going to pass out. 

Pinoe let her be for a moment, trying to keep it together herself while seeing one of her best friends completely lose it. 

It took Tobin half an hour to slowly regain her ability to speak, she had moved from sitting on her knees to sitting with her back against the bed, legs sprawled out in front of her. Pinoe had sat down next to her, showing Tobin that if she needed it she could curl up into her friends side. Tobin kept her head in her hands before she started speaking in a soft voice. “Did I rape her?” Pinoe’s heart broke hearing Tobin say those words but she was quick to respond, “Tobin, no! You did not rape her and Christen would never accuse you of that. She knows you would never hurt her, she told me that last night but right now her fear is overpowering everything she knows deep down.” Pinoe paused for a second, she needed to make this clear to Tobin, “It’s the same reason why she doesn’t trust Ash, Kelley or me to get close. The fear of what might happen is stronger than her belief that we would never hurt her.” 

Tobin was silent for some time before she got up, Pinoe was scared she was going to leave but Tobin just wiped away her tears and grabbed her now cold coffee to take a sip. “What can we do to change that?” Pinoe knew Tobin was still stewing but decided to leave it for now, “I guess we do what we have been doing, I told her I would tell you but that I wasn’t going to tell you to not ask questions. I think you need to talk to her; she needs to be reassured that you would never force her into anything, and she needs to hear that from you.” Tobin nodded, getting ready to go back to the room to talk to Christen but Pinoe stopped her. “Tobin wait, I will take the others out for a bit after we get to the room, if Christen is okay with it, but you need to open up. I know you’re not a talker but Christen is not going to start this conversation, but I don’t think right now is the right time. I can see that you’re angry and frustrated, you shouldn’t be talking to Christen when you’re like that.” 

Tobin knew she was right, she wanted to talk to Christen but she was so angry, not at Christen but at herself, she was still clenching her fists wanting to punch something or someone. She should have known! “Why don’t we get Ash and Kelley? You can go outside for a bit, maybe kick a ball around and calm down. I will go back to Christen and Ali and make sure she is okay.” Tobin thought about it, she wanted to go to Christen but she knew Pinoe was right, in the end she just nodded before walking out the door. She waited in the hall while Pinoe went and got Kelley and Ash.

When Pinoe walked into the room not much had changed. Christen was still on the bed with Ali but they were laughing at Kelley and Ash settling a bet on who could eat their eggs the fastest. She waited for them to finish before calling them out, “Kelley, Ash? Would you mind going out with Tobin for a while? She is in the hall, just take her down to a field, have her kick a ball around.” Kelley and Ash didn’t ask questions, Ali had caught them up a bit, they just grabbed some stuff and headed out of the door. 

Pinoe could feel Christen looking at her so she turned towards her, “is she mad at me?” Pinoe settled on a chair before she answered, “she is not mad at you, but she is mad at herself. She wants to talk to you, but I thought it was best for her to blow of some steam first. She is trying to bottle everything up, you know how she is,” Christen nodded, “yeah she does that.” Pinoe smiled a little, “she will be okay, she just needs to lose some of her energy before she is ready to talk.” Christen felt a little lighter after hearing Pinoe talk, Tobin would come back to her. 

Ali broke the silence some time later, Kelley and Ash had ran into Becky and Alex when they went and got breakfast. They had asked if they could come up for a bit to talk about the plan for the rest of the day. Pinoe suggested that she could go and get them now since it would probably be easier to talk if it was just the 5 of them. They both looked at Christen, she was biting her bottom lip, something she did if she was nervous. “Yeah you can get them,” she finally said, feeling brave. Pinoe gave her a smile before she left the room again. 

Before letting Becky and Alex in she gave them the same warning as Ali had done the night before, don’t get close, let her set the pace and if she was uncomfortable they had to leave. 

When they came in Pinoe noticed that Christen had shifted again, Ali got her to sit at the table, the first time she had been truly out of bed in 2 days, she had to remember to compliment Ali on that one. Ali was still holding her hand but other than that Chris seemed pretty sure of herself, she could see the look of relief on Alex and Becky’s face. When they sat down Christen leaned back a bit, trying to create a bit more distance between herself and the two visitors. Pinoe could hear Ali ask if she was okay in a whisper and was relieved to see Christen nod, so far so good. 

Becky and Alex told them about the team and what had been going on, apparently Crystal and Emily had been thrown into a twerk contest, Mal had been dumped into the pool and Rose had “lost” her phone after she had shared one to many pictures of her new puppy. All in all, it was a normal camp, Christen visibly relaxed, laughing at the stories her teammates were telling her. They let Christen set the pace, talking some more about random things happening in camp before Christen asked if anyone had noticed their absence. Alex said that some of the girls had been asking where they were, but Jill had assured them that the group came back late on the rest day so didn’t make dinner. The only one being a bit suspicious was Mal but Alex would talk to her later to make sure she wouldn’t come looking for them.  
“So, what now? We have training today, does Jill want me to come?” Christen wasn’t necessarily up to talking but she did need to know what was going to happen. Alex and Becky had talked to Jill this morning to go over the possibilities. “Jill would like you to train but she understands that training with the group probably isn’t the best idea, she suggested that you would just do some individual conditioning.” Christen tensed when she heard the word “individual”, “would I have to be alone?” Ali jumped in before Becky or Alex could say anything, “no you’re not, I’m not going to let that happen, Tobin and I could stay with you.” Ali didn’t leave any room for debate on that part, she just looked at Alex and Becky with hard eyes. 

Pinoe interjected before anyone could say something stupid, “I can tell you that Tobin probably shouldn’t be training with the group anyway, not if you want everyone to walk of the field with their ankles intact.” Alex opened her mouth to say something but Pinoe just gave her a look that said she would talk to her about Tobin later. In the end they agreed, Becky and Alex would make sure that Tobin, Ali and Christen could stay inside to do some conditioning. Kelley, Ash, Pinoe, Becky and Alex would run interference outside if any of their teammates would question their absence. 

For now, this would work, they agreed to meet again before dinner tonight. Becky and Alex stayed a bit longer, letting the conversation go back to lighter subjects.

Becky and Alex got up to leave when the door opened and Kelley, Ash and Tobin walked in. Alex grabbed Tobin’s hand before she left, softly whispering to her that she was just a text away if she needed to talk. Tobin hugged her briefly, saying she would remember.

After the two captains had left, Tobin walked up to Christen, “we need to talk Chris.” Christen knew it was coming so she just sighed and nodded, Ali asked Christen if she wanted her to stay but Christen just shook her head, she needed to this on her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be Tobin and Christens talk 
> 
> Wanted to address something as well. People on Tumblr have been asking why i keep Kelley and Ash in this story (mostly Kelley) and i get why people ask but they/she is not just there for comic relief. Kelley and Ash are a vital part of the story, i know Pinoe and Ali seem more important but every friend in this story has her own role. Ali is Christens rock, Pinoe is the voice of reason and Tobin's go to, Ash and Kelley have a different role which is just as important. They are the ones that remind Christen (and also Tobin) that there is still joy even if everything seems dark.
> 
> Anyways tell me what you think in the comments or on Tumblr https://hardtchill.tumblr.com/


	5. Could you kiss me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobin processes her emotions with Kelley and Ash before she goes to Christen to talk. She has to dig deep to find the right words but does so eventually

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is pretty much Tobin centered, she has been scattered around a bit in the story and i thought it was time to give a little insight in her way of dealing with what is going on. 
> 
> Obviously the trigger warning is still active.

Ali had given them a heads up, they knew Pinoe had talked to Tobin about why Christen was still scared of her and they had a good idea why that was. Tobin had walked in front of them in the hall, not waiting for them to catch up, she needed to get out of there. 

Ash and Kelley had taken her to a practice field not too far from the hotel but far enough to not be heard if she got upset. Ash had grabbed a couple balls and lined them up just outside the 18-yard box before she took her place in the goal. Tobin walked up to them without saying anything, she needed to get her anger out.

Tobin hit ball after ball, Ash was glad she brought her gloves because Tobin’s shots were probably hard enough to leave burn marks. After 50 or so shots back to back without pause Tobin let herself sink to the ground, too tired to take another. She just sat there for a while before another flare of anger had her punching the ground next to her, tears were falling but she was wiping them away hoping Ash and Kelley wouldn’t notice, they did notice. 

Kelley could see the anger still flaring so she forced Tobin to stand up and grabbed her arm, dragging her along. She started running in circles around the field, Tobin just kept going faster and faster, but Kelley didn’t worry. Tobin and her were the two best long distance runners on the team, Tobin wasn’t going to outrun her. The only sound that could be heard on the field was the sound of cleats hitting the grass and their heavy breathing. 

After 20 minutes of running Tobin paused, standing on the side of the field, next to a small changing room, with her hands on her knees trying to even out her breathing. Kelley and Ash had joined her, standing around her, patting her on the back. That’s when the tears started falling again but this time she wasn’t hiding them, it was no use anyway. “Let it out Tobs,” Ash said while rubbing her back, “talk Tobin, tell us what happened,” Kelley tried, not sure if she would get an answer. 

Tobin straightened back up; anger still present in her tear stained eyes. 

“I FUCKING RAPED HER!” she screamed before turning around and putting her fist through the thin wall of the changing room. She fell to her knees, head in her hands repeating those words over and over again. 

Ash was the first to react, sinking down next to Tobin crushing her into a hug, “listen to me Tobin, you did not rape her! You hear me?” Tobin couldn’t speak anymore, she just shook her head at Ash’s words, not believing a word she said. Kelley had taken place on Tobin’s other side by now, “Tobin you didn’t know, you couldn’t have known.” Tobin just cried, not being able to control herself anymore.

They sat like that for what felt like hours, Kelley and Ash holding onto her from both sides, trying to sooth her by whispering things in her ear and rubbing her back. Once it seemed that Tobin had calmed down a little bit Kelley nodded at Ash, they had to get through to her. “Nobody blames you Tobin, Christen loves you, she is scared but she isn’t blaming you, you did not rape her.” Ash kept repeating those last five words, trying to make her belief them. 

They weren’t sure if they had succeeded when they felt Tobin getting up, she had calmed down, she wasn’t what they would call “stable”, but the anger had left her eyes. “I need to talk to Chris,” Kelley and Ash looked at each other, they wouldn’t be able to stop her but they could maybe delay her a little bit. “Yes you do, but first you need to shower because you stink dude,” Kelley managed to get a little smile out of Tobin. They moved her into the little changing room and watched her go into the shower, luckily they had brought a change of clothes for Tobin, knowing she would probably need it. 

Tobin showered quick wanting to get to Christen. When they walked out she looked at the hole in the wall, it felt good at the time, but she wasn’t proud of it. “Don’t worry about it T, Ash will take the blame,” Ash gasped, “what? No one would believe that anyway, you’re the aggressive one Kelley.” It was Kelley’s turn to gasp now, “I’m not aggressive, you’re named the brick wall, you’re the aggressive one.” They were staring at each other, trying to have the other admit defeat, when they heard Tobin chuckle. “I love you guys, but sometimes you’re so stupid,” both of them gasped again, the argument forgotten, “oh you’re gonna get it Heath.” They wrestled for a while, all three of them laughing at the stupidity of it all before Tobin got back up, looking at them with a serious face. 

“Seriously thank you guys,” Tobin hoped there would be a time when she would be able to properly thank her friends, but this would have to do for now. “Always bud” Ash said leaning in to give her a quick hug, “we got you dude” Kelley said, joining the hug. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
-Back in the room-

Tobin felt awkward, once everyone had left Christen had moved back to the bed farthest from the entrance, she hadn’t said a word. Tobin remembered Pinoe’s words, “she had to start this conversation, she had to open up”. 

“Can I sit with you?” Christen looked at her, biting her bottom lip, it was clear she wasn’t comfortable with the idea even without her saying it. Tobin remembered Kelley’s words, “don’t take it personal, it’s not a rejection, she is just scared.” Instead of sitting down next to her Tobin decided to get on the bed next to the one Christen was on, “is this okay?” Christen still didn’t look sure but she gave Tobin a half smile which she counted as a win.

They were maybe 3 feet apart, both sitting cross legged on the edge of their beds, facing each other. Those 3 feet might as well be the grand canyon if you asked Tobin, that’s how far away she felt she was sitting. She tried to make eye contact but Christen kept looking away, Tobin wanted to pull her hair out, she had no idea how to fix this. She had questions she wanted to ask, she had things she needed to say but Tobin wasn’t a talker. Whenever she needed to tell Christen something she would hug her or kiss her, making sure she felt exactly what Tobin was trying to convey, but she couldn’t do that now. 

She was fidgeting with her fingers trying to stay calm, it wasn’t working. She was opening her mouth time and time again trying to say something, but no sound came out. She felt like punching a hole in the wall, but she had already done that today. 

She was trying to use the meditation techniques Christen had tried to teach her before she had given up, labeling Tobin a lost cause. It was a fair observation on her part, the only time Tobin had managed to sit still and not talk for more than 5 minutes was when she had fallen asleep. She tried to remember the steps, close your eyes, deep breaths, relax your muscles, be aware of your body, feel every part of your body, go to your happy place. She knew she was probably mixing up the yoga, meditation and relaxation techniques Christen had tried to teach her over the years, but she guessed it didn’t matter. 

When she opened her eyes again she was a bit calmer and found Christen looking at her with her eyebrows raised, entirely confused with what was happening. “Did you just try to meditate?” Tobin’s eyes grew wide when she heard Christen speak but tried to not let the surprise affect her. She rubbed her neck with her hand, “well yeah, I thought I would give it a try since everything else wasn’t working for me.” Christen was making eye contact now, “what did you try?” Tobin thought for a moment before she realized honesty was probably the best way to go, “well before I came back I tried kicking a ball around, running laps and eventually punching a hole in a wall.” Tobin was looking down at her hands feeling Christens eyes on her, “not really proud of that last one” she mumbled. 

‘I don’t blame you”, Christens voice was soft, “I guess I didn’t exactly make it easy on you.” Tobin could practically hear the guilt in her voice “Baby no, you didn’t do anything wrong okay? I should have known.” Tobin made eye contact again, “please believe me when I say that, you are not at fault for any of this.” Christen nodded her head, Tobin doubted that Christen really believed what she said but she let it go for now. “I need you to know that I never wanted to force you into anything and if I did I’m so sorry, I never meant for that to happen,” Tobin could see tears forming in Christens eyes. She wanted to go over and hold her so badly but stayed where she was determined to not cross any boundaries. “You didn’t force me to do anything Tobin, you shouldn’t feel guilty,” Tobin had a hard time believing those words. “I had sex with you when you didn’t want to Chris, I should have never done that,” Tobin felt the tears falling down her cheeks. “I should have told you, you couldn’t have known,” they both took a deep breath happy to at least have gotten this far. 

“I need you to tell me Chris, I need to know when it happened and why you didn’t tell me.” Christen swallowed, she had known Tobin would ask but had to think for a while before she could answer. 

“It was two days after the game in Orlando, I came to Portland to be with you, I came home in the middle of the night. I wanted to tell you, but you were sleeping and I was tired, it was an easy excuse I guess. You woke up when I got to bed and started to kiss me and I kissed you back, out of habit I think. You climbed on top of me, I felt like I couldn’t move because you had me pinned to the bed and I was too scared to say anything. My body still reacted even if my mind was not into it, you couldn’t have known and I didn’t stop you. Since that night it just became harder and harder, I wanted to tell you, but I just didn’t know how and I fooled myself into believing I could just forget it.” 

Tobin could see the tears running down Christens face and not for the first time she wished she could go over and hold her. Tobin just felt numb, she couldn’t even really remember that night and yet this was the night she had.. She forced herself to stop the thought, remembering what Ash had said to her after she had screamed about it on the field, “you did not rape her, you did not rape her, you did not rape her.” 

“Has there been a moment since when you did enjoy it?” Christen swallowed before slowly shaking her head. Tobin thought of all the times they had had sex in the past few months, she should have known. 

“Do you think you could tell me from now on if I do something that makes you uncomfortable?” Tobin tried to stay on topic, she could scream and cry later. 

“I don’t know,” Christen wanted to give her an honest answer, “I want to, but I just don’t know how and I don’t want to hurt you.” Tobin could understand that, but she had to make something clear, “Chris the only way you could hurt me is if you let me hurt you.” She looked at Christen intently trying to get her point across, “I would much rather have you tell me to back off 20 times a day than tell me later that something I did made you uncomfortable.” 

Tobin could see Christen nod her head slightly, but she didn’t feel like Christen was totally on board, “you need to talk to me Chris, what is holding you back?” It was Christens turn to look down at her lap, “I just don’t know how to say that” she mumbled, “I don’t want to say to you that you have to back off.” Tobin was somewhat relieved that Christens objections were based more on the words than the feelings behind it. “You could just tell me no? You could move away from me or remove my hand if you don’t want to say it out loud. It’s my job to pick up on those signals, I just need you to give them to me.” Christen looked somewhat relieved, “I think I can do that.”  
They both let out a breath after finishing their talk, it wouldn’t be the last difficult conversation, but they got through the first one. They were still sitting three feet apart, but it didn’t feel like the grand canyon anymore. “

They sat on their respective beds for some time before Christen spoke up again. “Could I ask you to do something?” Tobin looked up from where her eyes were wandering around the room, “of course you can.” “Could you come sit next to me?” Tobin hesitated slightly before asking, “are you sure?” Christen waited a bit, seemingly thinking about the request again before she said, “yes, I’m sure.” 

Tobin slowly got up from the bed she was still sitting on and moved over to the far side of Christens bed, not daring to sit right next to her. Christen smiled at her before she moved to the middle of the bed, away from the edge, she invited Tobin over with a wave so they could sit face to face. Both still sitting cross legged with a considerable amount of space between them.

They spent a few minutes just looking at each other, this time both were keeping their eyes focused on the other, neither dared to look away. “Can I ask you another thing?” Christen didn’t look away when she spoke, “of course you can” Tobin said, mimicking her earlier answer. “Could you kiss me?” Tobin hesitated again before asking “are you sure?” Christen thought about the request again before she said, “yes, I’m sure.”

Tobin slowly moved forward giving Christen a chance to stop her, when she didn’t she stopped herself, a few inches from Christens face. Looking her straight into her eyes she waited for her, Christen took a deep breath before pressing her lips against Tobin’s. It wasn’t sexual, their lips barely touched, neither tried to deepen it but both relaxed at the touch. The kiss didn’t last more than 10 seconds but it was enough for both to be out of breath at the end. Christen leaned her forehead against Tobin’s, noses touching, closing her eyes before she breathed out, “thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the last chapter for this fic but not to worry, i put it in a series because i'm not done, i just don't like dragging out multi chapters. I plan on doing some follow up fics, revolving around Christens interactions with the team and with Tobin. 
> 
> I didn't plan on adding in Tobin's talk with Kelley and Ash but in the end i'm glad i did, i hope it you like it  
Let me know what you think in the comments or on Tumblr https://hardtchill.tumblr.com/


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